Wedding vows

It’s late at night and my phone rings. An old friend is on the line, and the first thing I hear is, “I think I’ve ruined everything. I’ve had an affair.”

In a culture gone crazy for sex, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but I always am.

You would be hard pressed to find a television sitcom without sex. Primetime is bombarded with casual sex and illicit affairs. From dramas like Desperate Housewives to Scandal, it seems the new normal is to cheat on your spouse who then cheats on you for revenge.

Estimates of American men involved in extramarital affairs at least once in their lives range from 22 percent to 75 percent; estimates for women range from 14 percent to 60 percent. Add to that the statistic that 74 percent of men and 68 percent of women say they would have an affair if they knew they would never be caught, and it’s obvious this is a big problem in our society!

So let’s take a brief look at the anatomy of an affair and how to have one (if you want to ruin everything).

First, ignore all reasonable and wise boundaries with the opposite sex. Go out for coffee or better yet for lunch or dinner with a co-worker of the opposite sex under the guise of a “working meal.” Spend as much time as you can with this new “friend.”

Second, flirt because it’s fun. It’s best to use lots of flattery as well, and on a regular basis be sure to throw in a well-placed sexual innuendo or joke. With the advent of social media, this is easier than ever to do.

If you’re a woman, show as much skin as you can get away with without appearing to be a loose woman. The low-cut top and the very short skirt work well. Oh, and don’t forget to bend over as much as possible to give the guys a good look at your … well, you know.

Guys, make sure you compliment the gal on a regular basis regarding how good she looks, smells, or smiles. Women like to be noticed and crave personal attention (especially if she’s not getting enough kudos from her husband; he’s probably a jerk).

When the accidental physical contact happens or you have the chance for a lingering and full-body hug, take advantage of it, and make sure it’s mutual. Get those pheromones flowing!

Next, as often as possible, share your deepest fears, thoughts, or feelings with the opposite sex. He or she will probably understand you better than your spouse. It is imperative that you create an emotional bond. Counseling women alone is a great idea. Most women won’t let any guy into her pants until he’s entered into her heart.

Don’t forget to let your mind go crazy. Fantasize a lot. Imagine what it would be like to be with someone else … someone who is fun, exciting, and a little wild. Play with sexual thoughts as much as possible. Our bodies have a way of doing what we allow our minds to be saturated with. And for heaven’s sake, don’t tell anybody! Bringing something like this to the light will make you horribly uncomfortable. You don’t need anyone’s advice; they’ll just try to change your mind or hold you accountable. That’s stupid, right?

Last of all, and this is critical, complain about your spouse to your new friend and compare his or her amazing strengths and qualities to your spouse’s weaknesses as much as possible. That being said, be careful about seeming to be too negative or whining (nobody likes a killjoy).

By the way, when you’re finally ready to practice the wild onion together, rationalize it as true love. You can even spiritualize the experience by telling your new lover how you married the wrong person and how God has now given you the man or woman of your dreams. Pull the God-card to shut up your critics.

If you religiously follow the above suggestions, I can guarantee you “success”; you’ll have an affair in no time. Of course, it will probably cost you your marriage, your ministry, a lot of money, your peace, your true joy, lots of holidays and priceless moments with your kids, possibly your faith and quite probably the respect and admiration of your family, co-workers, and friends. Be sure to count the cost.

One more fringe benefit, if you stay together with your new “best spouse ever” it’s highly likely that you’ll live in fear of him or her cheating on you someday. After all, they did it once; what’s to keep them from doing it again?

Crazy? Yup. But maybe there’s a better way to live.

Invest in your marriage with diligence. Stay true to your wedding vows. Delight in the spouse of your youth. Get help early when marital problems arise. Remember that love is a choice more than an emotion.

And if by chance you’ve failed along the way, run to God’s mercy and grace. It’s never too late to be forgiven and restored.

Kurt W. Bubna published his first book, Epic Grace—Chronicles of a Recovering Idiot, with Tyndale Momentum in 2013. He is an active blogger, itinerant speaker, regular radio and television personality, and the Sr. Pastor of a large and community-focused church in Spokane Valley, Wash.

For the original article, visit

Ministry Today Subscription Special - Subscribe to Ministry Today magazine today and get 12 issues (2 full years) plus Amplified Leadership, a free leadership book for only $24.

Order Life in the Spirit to actively grow your ministry in the power of the Holy Spirit. Your congregation will stay saturated in God's Word, learn to hear His voice, understand their purpose and calling and move into an active role in your ministry.

Your Turn

Comment Guidelines
  • Jentezen Franklin encourages church leaders to encourage their flocks to vote their values.

    Why We Must Count the Cost—and Vote

    There is a propaganda war that is raging in this country, and it is full of manipulation, lies, ...

  • Why did you choose the church you attend?

    7 Key Reasons People Choose a Church

    The real issue is not the intrigue of this research; it is what you and your church will do about ...

  • Have you ever had a cringe moment during your church announcements?

    The 7 Deadly Sins of Church Announcements

    Sometimes they just miss the mark, albeit unintentionally.

  • Some of these reasons for leaving the church are simply not plausible.

    7 Reasons People Leave Their Church During Crisis Times

    Some of the excuses are pretty extreme and, quite frankly, lazy.

  • The Key to True Power

    The Key to True Power

    Jesus overturned every worldly idea about power when He introduced the concept of servant leadership.

  • Praying for leaders

    Failing to Do This Can Spell Disaster for the Church

    And it has the potential to destroy many lives.

  • Many of these issues are self-inflicted.

    10 Poisons That Will Kill Any Church

    Here is why the churches that die from them do so by their own hand.

  • Graveyard

    An Autopsy of a Deceased Pastor

    There are eight common patterns to look for.

  • Do yourself and her a favor. Take the target off your pastor's wife's back.

    Why Pastors' Wives Have a Target on Their Back

    Here are three instances of what we are doing to the wives of God's servants sent to ...

Use Desktop Layout
Ministry Today Magazine — Serving and empowering church leaders